22.12.13

No where feels like home. I don't want to be here anymore. Its too hard to feel so empty and not needed. Who am I think to that I can help people. I can't. I'm a mess. I just hate feeling this way. I feel like even though I'm surrounded by people they are doing their own thing, walking through life and then I'm just standing their watching everyone else doing something and I hate it. I haven't moved on from anything, things have just got worse over time and it really hurts, it really hurts.

12.12.13

Things have been difficult recently and I apologize for a really late response or post. Like I've just said, things have been difficult and slightly chaotic. I had a chat with my university tutor who was lovely. As he is a mental health nurse instead, he understood why I may be finding things difficult and suggested that  I need to follow what I feel is right. We had a conversation just less than a month ago. I'm currently on placement at CAMHS or CYPS as its called up here which is slightly difficult because I was in this service from where I used to live from the ages of 15 to 18. Some cases have hit home and I've dealt with it in my own stupid way as per usual. 

Things have been hard also with regards to my family. My brother took an overdose and was taken to hospital in an ambulance. He didn't do any long lasting damage but I think he may be getting help for his issues. I am the only one in my family that knows. My mum's been put on lithium now for her depression and things have been getting worse for her as well. Being up here, I've realised too much especially being at CYPS because its all becoming to close to home. I want to leave still. I want to come off placement. At the same time, I don't know what I want. I'm so lost within everything, my mind, my world I just don't know what to believe or think. 

I was going to try and make a GP appointment, but I haven't had the time to do so and there's not much point as I'm going home for Christmas on the 21st. I feel just so lost in all this chaos that I don't really know where to fit in anymore. Yet again, I leave this post questioning what to do because I really, really don't know what to do anymore.. 

22.11.13

Sad in bed, staring at my pill stash and blade collection. I just want this all to end. There's nothing left for me to fight for. I wanted to believe that everything would be okay but now I know its not. I'm lost in this world. This world which is so confusing and I can't make sense of anymore. I need out of it. 

Goodbye. 

14.11.13

If I could write down this feeling inside, I would, but I can't. No words can describe this aching feeling. A feeling that I don't even understand. I don't know what I want nor what I need. I feel extremely lost yet I feel like its my time to go. Don't ask me why I feel that way because I don't understand it myself. All I've been thinking about is that when I go back to university, I'll slip away. Slip away from this place. Slip away into the unknown. I just feel that suicide is the only option now. It feels like I'm saying goodbye to everyone. I'm going to give all the money I have to them. They need it. They don't need a waste and a failure of daughter. They should be ashamed of me. I'm a disgusting human being. I'm a waste of space. A space that a beautiful person can replace. When one person dies, another is born and when I go, some better person will replace me in this world.

02.11.13

Alcohol is the way forward now. I drink because it helps. I drink because it numbs out my horrid mood and it makes me happy. I don't have to think or feel anything negative. I can just forget about everything that has made me unhappy because the drink blinds it, takes it all away and leaves me with this other person with no inhibitions and no need to feel upset or angry. I've damaged my stomach at the moment and its inflamed due to my drinking and vomiting from it but when I drink the physical pain goes away as well as the emotional. Everything has become extremely chaotic and I don't know where to go anymore.

24.10.13

I feel like I'm in the biggest pit of misery and despair that I have been in for a long time. Everything is a mess and I don't know how to deal with everything. I've just let things crumble right in front of myself and I don't know to turn it all around. I've done an online application to see the counselling/mental health service at my university and I'll find out within the next couple of days as to when I can have an appointment. The thing is, I don't know if I can wait for a couple of days to be seen.  I feel so on edge at the moment and everything is draining the life out of me. I just wish I'd known how to deal with things and could keep control of everything, but as per usual I can't even do that. I can't look after myself but I don't want to feel as though I have to be looked after. I'm 19 in 5 days and I don't want to celebrate it at all and  I don't feel like doing anything. Wondering if I'll still be here for it at the rate I'm going to be honest. I just wonder what will happen. The next couple of days are going to be crucial. Just need to get through tonight, which at the moment is looking slightly bleak!

13.10.13

Yesterday was really weird. Had to take my friend to A&E because he had bumped his head and passed out whilst he was drunk. It was not weird at the fact that I had to take him to A&E but it was the fact that the last time I had gone to an A&E it was because I had overdosed on 70 pills. All I could think of was would happen if all the subsequent overdoses I had taken needed like emergency care kinda thing. I felt really triggered being there and  I don't know why. You associate hospitals with feeling I don't know, safe in a sense, like someones looking after you. Whereas oh I don't know, I kinda just wanted to take an overdose and  I don't know why. My mind really isn't working at the moment.

10.10.13

Was so close to overdosing last night. I was so drunk, but it got to the point where I felt so lonely and sad. You know like the last stages of a night out when you get back home. I feel so lonely and all I wanted was sex or for a guy to be in my bed and I don't know why. I just felt so completely alone and when your drunk, feeling like that is horrible. I just want to get rid of this feeling. I feel like I'm just all over the place yet feel as though I don't know who to turn to. My flat mates don't know anything about the other side of me and I can't just explode it onto them because I don't what that to happen. I wish this was all so easy yet all I feel is loneliness and depression and, oh I don't know! Fucking hell.

07.10.13

I feel bad again. Bad like I want to take an overdose and bad like I want to end my life. I don't know why I feel so bad though. I just feel so, oh I don't know. Things have been happening so fast and its like I've been swept off my feet. I don't know where to go or what to do. Just wish I could stop time for a bit so I could get my bearings and actually figure out whats happening and not feel like my brain is buzzing about.

27.09.13

I've slept with two guys in 4 days. I feel horrible. One because I didn't use any protection, but secondly because the feelings and memories came flooding back. I felt utterly ashamed of myself, felt so dirty. Felt like I shouldn't be touched, like I didn't deserve to be loved. I felt, oh I don't know. Things are happening too fast. I just want to all to be so fucking easy you know. I knew that my problems would follow me no where I go. Who was I to believe that because I'm not living in the same place as where it all happened it would disappear? I'm such a joke. 

18.09.13

I have literally lost my appetite, I don't want to eat, I have maybe one drink a day and I think this is fueling my eating disorder. Moving to university and traveling about 4 and a half hours away has not helped. I've been emotional which is understandable when I have left everything I knew and now started in a massive city where I know no-one or anything about the place. I don't really know how I feel. Its like these last 6 days have been a blur and I feel kinda numb. I've cried a hell of a lot and maybe I've just lost all my emotions kinda thing? Maybe I've cried myself numb but I don't know.

12.09.13

So I've now moved up to newcastle. It was such a daunting day. Didn't feel real, it didn't feel right. It doesn't feel like this is happening. I don't know if I can do this. I really don't know. I don't know if this is just pre-nerves or this is something more like i'm really not ready for all of this. All I want to do is cut, but all my blades and pills are the back of my rents car with all of my clothes and other essential university items but they are coming up tomorrow.  I'm just scared, completely and utterly scared.

06.09.13

I don't see my bulimia as a problem anymore. Yes, I still do it but it doesn't feel like its something that people should worry about. Its something so normal to me now, its a part of me. Even though I've been diagnosed with it, it doesn't feel like a diagnosis; it just feels like its a part of my personality. Maybe because I don't see it as a problem that's why no one else see's it as a big deal and maybe that's why no one has done anything to stop it (mental health professionals). You see, because I'm not severely underweight or that I've only done minor damages to my body, no one else sees it as a problem or that it doesn't need to be addressed. Its like it should be just passed off as something, like I'm going through a 'phase'. And if it is a phase, nearly 4 years is a long time to have one. I don't know, I just sometimes feel that bulimia is lower on the hierarchy of eating disorders. Obviously, having an eating disorder is something which people shouldn't hide away from, but every time I've seen a mental health professional, it just feels as though it isn't anything and because I don't suffer from anorexia its like nothing should happen and I should just be discharged and to deal with it on my own. Fuck sake, I'm getting myself in a right old hissy fit now just thinking about it; fuck this shit.

01.09.13

In 11 days I move up north to start university. I'm completely and utterly terrified. I'm scared of leaving friends, leaving my home town, meeting new people, finding a new doctor. The worrying though I have is what about if I fail? What about if I have another breakdown like I did 2 months ago? What about if I take too many pills, or I feel stupidly suicidal, whose going to stop me? Because I know I'm not going to. I'm scared I'm not going to handle the pressure of being in an environment where I'll be with individuals who suffer the same conditions I do. What about if they trigger me? What about if I'm not going to be a good nurse? What about if I'm completely shit and can't help anyone? How am I supposed to help someone if I can't even help myself? There are so many questions and thoughts in my head. I don't know whether to listen to the positive answers or the negative. 
Just wish my brain would shut off for a couple of days. Just want peace.

31.08.13

Do you know what its like to feel your heart ache, to feel an undesirable feeling to love someone when you know it won't happen. I've fallen for this guy who I've had casual sex with. He is beautiful, kind and lovely but is the type of person in my eyes who wouldn't 'go out' with me. After thinking about it all, I would happily be in a relationship with him, but the flip side is, would he ever want to be in a relationship with me? He's seen my scars and even that is difficult. He isn't very knowledgeable about mental health issues and to a certain extent general emotions. You see, I would love to go out with him if I wasn't going to university and if the fact that I was in a better frame of mind. But I know he wouldn't go for someone like me. I'm 100 times below what he should be aiming for. I'm not thin, I'm not pretty, I'm scarred, I'm broken and I'm a mess. I wish he would like me and I wish he misses me, but he doesn't and that's what hurts the most. I've fallen for some guy as per usual who doesn't feel the same way about me.

24.08.13

I want to believe that this is just a low patch. I don't want to believe that I'm having a breakdown. But how many times, I try to convince myself I'm not losing it, there is always that voice in the back that is telling me I am. Telling me all these weird thoughts and making me feel quite delusional about what is happening presently. I've never felt this weird. This weirdness is something that I can't even describe, no words can make sense of it. No matter how much time I try to analyse what is going on, it still makes no sense. I have therapy on wednesday so maybe I'll be able to make sense of it then, but even therapy doesn't help anymore. It just makes everything come out with no way of actually helping or treating what is going on. I just feel so alone recently and I've wanted to call T up but I can't. I haven't had the guts to do it, mainly because I hate talking over the phone about personal issues. I just don't know what to do anymore.

12.08.13

I remember one occasion that really sticks out for me that happened at secondary school. I was 16 years of age (in year 11), and I was isolating myself completely. I was in the grips of my eating disorder, my depression was at an all time low. I was fighting myself with no one knowing what was going on. I remember I was walking back from science going to I think my form room through the corridor and I felt so alone. I felt so alone even in the presence of others. I knew I wasn't alone physically because there was 40 girls walking in the same direction as I was, but I just felt so disconnected from every single one of them, like I was the only person walking down that corridor. I think from that point onwards, I've realised that loneliness, that aching of wanting to be loved, needed, noticed. But the thing is, the pain never goes away, its like a chronic pain, some days are better than others, equally some can be worse and horrible. When people say they are lonely, we normally associate that with being single, but it can mean feeling absolutely isolated and in solitude with everyone like family and friends and I think that's the worse kind of loneliness. That loneliness creeps up on you, makes you feel utterly alone in this world, feel as though you have no value to others and that you aren't valued by the people you love, cherish and would give your life too. Its even harder when you feel lonely even when your surrounded by the people who you love, and you know they love you but you can't shake that feeling off and that's hard. Do you believe your feelings, or do you believe the people around you?

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”  - Mother Teresa

08.08.13

So lately, memories of the past have emerged. Memories which I had blocked out for a long period of time. Its weird how our brains can block out memories which cause us pain, guilt and shame. The thing is, how do you deal when all the memories come fast and all at the same time. How do you deal with reliving the thoughts, feelings and emotions you had when you experienced that memory. All I can think about is it, everything that happened around it, how old I was, how I felt, what I tried to do. All these little things replay in my head and there is no way of escaping them. So how do you escape them unless you escape yourself. The thing is, I don't know if my past is affecting me presently I don't know as to what happened then has caused me to suffer from depression and bulimia? I just don't know anymore.

30.07.13

You know that numb feeling you experience when you read or hear something you didn't want to know, that's kinda how I felt yesterday. I'm quite a nosy person when it comes to my mum; likes to read her emails and text messages she sends and receives. One email however will most probably haunt me for at least a couple of days/weeks. She sent an email to a very close friend of hers which I thought was normal, but once actually reading it, I realised what the message she was portraying in most probably the 4th paragraph. My mum had attempted suicide 2 weeks ago by overdosing on her medication. My mum is on anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. According to her email, she had collapsed and fallen down the stairs during the night. Obviously I was asleep at the time so I didn't realise anything had happened. 

When I read that email, the immediate feeling I got was numbness. It then followed by guilt; like somehow  I should have known my mum was feeling so low or that I should have known when I woke up that my mum looked 'drugged up' like I've looked when I've overdosed. I feel as though I could have prevented it from happening, like I should know. Yes, I know I'm not a mind-reader but it just pains me to know that my mum did it. I don't feel anger to her at all because I've overdosed in the last couple of weeks. She hasn't told her CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) about what happened, but she most probably (well hopefully) will tell her at her next appointment. 

All I've got trailing in my head now is that the possible scenarios as to what could have happened if she did take too many that could have caused her to pass away. I know I shouldn't think like this, but this is what happens with me. I drip out of reality and play fantasy. I live in my own little world creating up scenarios and playing along with them, getting mixed between reality and another world. When your so close to losing someone, some people can push them away, some can pull them even closer. I can't really make sense of what our relationship is at the moment. All I know is that she doesn't know I know anything about what happens and I'm not planning on bringing it up. 

27.07.13

I had my first 'real' session with my therapist on Wednesday (after 2 emergency appointments with her 3 weeks ago) and it was fine. But the minute I walked out, I felt weird. I felt vulnerable. I felt exposed.  I don't know if I'm ready to talk and be open. Its a scary prospect being compeltely open with someone who will be gone soon. I don't know if I even want to go back to another session. The woman I see is lovely, but I rely on people too much, especially adults. Adults who show me attention and support and a sense that they care. But I don't want to talk about stuff because it makes me over-analyse every point and situation that has occured in my life, especilly stuff that  I've never spoken to anyone about. Reliving memories I've blocked out for a reason and then having to try and make sense of them. I am only have 4 sessions, one which has already been done and I feel that if I continue, I'm going to be left with more questions than answers and I don't think I could deal with that. I've done some crying, some binging and some purging and hopefully this whole mindset will go away fairly soon, I hope. 

22.07.13

I generally don't know how to describe this pain I'm feeling. Maybe its the sudden realisation that I am alone in this, that no one cares whether I live or die. If I died tomorrow, people wouldn't know. People wouldn't care. I am so fucking, oh, I don't know, just pissed of at the fact that I'm like this. Why has my mental health ruined everyone I once was. Why can't I just be okay for a change.

21.07.13

I think my aggression has become worst. I literally can't control it anymore. It got to a point last night where I pulled a knife on my brother. He hit me so I got my dad's pen knife and walked towards him with the knife sticking out. I think one day, that it's all going to get too much and I'm actually going to do some damage to someone. I don't want to do that, but I can't control my violent tendencies and aggressive nature. Why is everything just falling apart..

14.07.13

I was cleaning my room today for some reason I'll explain in another post maybe later or tomorrow. I found my old diary (well I wrote in it for a couple of weeks through a rough patch last year) and I've just re-read some of the things I've written. Here are 2 of my diary entries.

Thursday 24th May 2012;

I feel numb, like everything doesn't really matter anymore and I can't find any reason to stay. I can't function properly -  I can't eat, sleep, drink, talk. It all seems so difficult to do. I'm coming down from a manic couple of weeks and its so unbelievably hard to try and stay in control. Everything recently feels like a daze, like I don't know if I'm actually living. I feel so unbelievably disconnected to everything that I literally don't feel like I'm living at all. I keep on dreaming about all these weird thoughts relating to death. Actually, I wouldn't even call them weird anymore, they bring me some sort of peace. The fact that the pills are in my cupboard and other medication is downstairs and that the fact that I can order both blades and pills off the internet, that gives me piece of mind; in a way, it drives me to do it. The fact that I am so not in control anymore and letting my inner most demons *suicidal thoughts* take control, I feel different from where I was a month ago running to my teacher when I had the pills. Now I feel ready to do it. I'm ready to leave. I want to go. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here anymore. I want to die. 

Saturday 26th May 2012;

I didn't cut last night if you count that as an achievement. I couldn't be bothered, so instead I just laid in bed, curled up in a ball and just stared at the all. I didn't think of anything. I just curled up into a fetal position which I guess suggested how vulnerable I actually was.
I was outside in the back garden the majority of the day, watching the world pass me by, watching the birds fly.  I wish I could be a bird so I just fly away when things got crazy. I'd love to be away from here. I'd love to just have a break from myself or even just start over. These thoughts however are highly unlikely. You can't run away from someone especially if that person is yourself. Yet again, its come back to that conclusion of death. I always wonder who would miss me, who would be at my funeral, how life would be without me, would people still remember me and would people even care that I'm not around. They don't care that I'm here now so surely they wouldn't care if I wasn't around, right?

A month later; my friends and family found out I was suicidal and I ran away from home. My family searched everywhere and were going to call the police because I felt suicidal but they found me, restrained me and took me home. I had an emergency dr's appointment made the next day. 

12.07.13

People tell me 'how can having a punch of pills stashed in your room be a safety net?', my simple reply is 'so I can use them if I need too'. For many, that seems quite illogical and dangerous but in my mind of absolute confusion, it makes me feel safe. Its a growing collection of pills I've brought myself or one's I've got out of the medication cupboard. People tell me to get rid of the pills to reduce the urge, but yes I could do that, but that would make me more anxious. The one thing that can help me will be taken away and if I didn't have them, I'll most probably feel a bit numb and even more unsafe. 

I know I'm not making much sense and most people who would, if they read this, would agree on that, but it's the truth. It protects me. If I want to take them and I have the urge and I want to leave, then I can. It gives me the option of doing so. 

11.07.13

I don't know what's happening at the moment. Everything feels like a blur like I don't really understand what's occurring at the moment. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I don't want to make plans just in case I'm not there to live through them. I don't want to tell people how I feel because I don't want them to worry about anything, especially when it may be nothing. I wish I could understand how I'm feeling. I don't know if you've ever felt like you were the audience watching your life. That's how I feel most days recently. I feel like I'm watching my life, rather than living it myself. I can't help but do so. Maybe it's because I already feel dead. Maybe I am dead and maybe everything I'm doing is just some fantasy world or maybe I'm just dreaming. Too many maybe's with no definite answers; plagued by questions with no one giving me the answers I need to make sense of this world and my role within it.

20.06.13

I have this strange feeling of jealousy or envy other my friends getting the support and help they need from the mental health services and yet I'm still stuck in the stupid system, yet again lost with no-one to turn to. I can't call up anyone in particular like a therapist or psychologist and I can't turn to them when I'm at my lowest. Yes, my friends do need help and I'm glad they are receiving the help, but I've waited 6 months for something to happen and still nothing is being done. Maybe I don't need help and maybe this is all just nothing and how I feel and what I do is nothing and maybe I should just stop wasting everyone's time where it could be given to other people and just give it a rest and hide in silence and slowly fade away with all these stupid thoughts in my head. Maybe I should just do what they say. A date with suicide.

16.06.13

The nights are always the hardest and I think there is only one reason for that and that's because its when I can actually be how I feel. I don't have to put on a happy smile and pretend everything's 'hunky dory' like I do when I'm with my friends and family. One reason I do that is because its so much easier to cover it all up. Throw some bandages on your wounds and pretend that everything has changed and portray that picture to others. I don't want people being worried about me because I hate talking about how I'm feeling and what I do. I mean who wants to hear about someone who binges until they look pregnant and then stays in the bathroom for 20 minutes purging everything she ate? No-one that's whom. The nights are where everything slowly unravels and were you can feel your self becoming more unstable and unsafe. You get to realise how alone you really are in the world and how you can feel so insignificant and worthless. The nights are the hardest, and I think for many people like I do who suffer from a mental health illness, the nights are the worse mainly because you are on your own and no one knows what you could do. Sometimes I prefer it that way, and sometimes I know that my thoughts and the voices get the better of me.

12.06.13

'When do I ever get to be upset? When do I ever get to be anyone but me?' - Effy Stonem

09.06.13

I don't know what to do anymore and I'm not writing this lightly, I generally do not know what I'm supposed to do anymore. All I'm doing is waiting and not actually knowing what I'm waiting for which is hard. I don't know when I'll get help but I know that I won't be around for much longer if I still feel like this in the next week or so. I want to speak to people about how I feel but what's the point anymore. Nothing new can be said so its just repeating old thoughts and feelings with little no end result. So you tell me, what am I supposed to do.