30.07.13

You know that numb feeling you experience when you read or hear something you didn't want to know, that's kinda how I felt yesterday. I'm quite a nosy person when it comes to my mum; likes to read her emails and text messages she sends and receives. One email however will most probably haunt me for at least a couple of days/weeks. She sent an email to a very close friend of hers which I thought was normal, but once actually reading it, I realised what the message she was portraying in most probably the 4th paragraph. My mum had attempted suicide 2 weeks ago by overdosing on her medication. My mum is on anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. According to her email, she had collapsed and fallen down the stairs during the night. Obviously I was asleep at the time so I didn't realise anything had happened. 

When I read that email, the immediate feeling I got was numbness. It then followed by guilt; like somehow  I should have known my mum was feeling so low or that I should have known when I woke up that my mum looked 'drugged up' like I've looked when I've overdosed. I feel as though I could have prevented it from happening, like I should know. Yes, I know I'm not a mind-reader but it just pains me to know that my mum did it. I don't feel anger to her at all because I've overdosed in the last couple of weeks. She hasn't told her CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) about what happened, but she most probably (well hopefully) will tell her at her next appointment. 

All I've got trailing in my head now is that the possible scenarios as to what could have happened if she did take too many that could have caused her to pass away. I know I shouldn't think like this, but this is what happens with me. I drip out of reality and play fantasy. I live in my own little world creating up scenarios and playing along with them, getting mixed between reality and another world. When your so close to losing someone, some people can push them away, some can pull them even closer. I can't really make sense of what our relationship is at the moment. All I know is that she doesn't know I know anything about what happens and I'm not planning on bringing it up. 

27.07.13

I had my first 'real' session with my therapist on Wednesday (after 2 emergency appointments with her 3 weeks ago) and it was fine. But the minute I walked out, I felt weird. I felt vulnerable. I felt exposed.  I don't know if I'm ready to talk and be open. Its a scary prospect being compeltely open with someone who will be gone soon. I don't know if I even want to go back to another session. The woman I see is lovely, but I rely on people too much, especially adults. Adults who show me attention and support and a sense that they care. But I don't want to talk about stuff because it makes me over-analyse every point and situation that has occured in my life, especilly stuff that  I've never spoken to anyone about. Reliving memories I've blocked out for a reason and then having to try and make sense of them. I am only have 4 sessions, one which has already been done and I feel that if I continue, I'm going to be left with more questions than answers and I don't think I could deal with that. I've done some crying, some binging and some purging and hopefully this whole mindset will go away fairly soon, I hope. 

22.07.13

I generally don't know how to describe this pain I'm feeling. Maybe its the sudden realisation that I am alone in this, that no one cares whether I live or die. If I died tomorrow, people wouldn't know. People wouldn't care. I am so fucking, oh, I don't know, just pissed of at the fact that I'm like this. Why has my mental health ruined everyone I once was. Why can't I just be okay for a change.

21.07.13

I think my aggression has become worst. I literally can't control it anymore. It got to a point last night where I pulled a knife on my brother. He hit me so I got my dad's pen knife and walked towards him with the knife sticking out. I think one day, that it's all going to get too much and I'm actually going to do some damage to someone. I don't want to do that, but I can't control my violent tendencies and aggressive nature. Why is everything just falling apart..

14.07.13

I was cleaning my room today for some reason I'll explain in another post maybe later or tomorrow. I found my old diary (well I wrote in it for a couple of weeks through a rough patch last year) and I've just re-read some of the things I've written. Here are 2 of my diary entries.

Thursday 24th May 2012;

I feel numb, like everything doesn't really matter anymore and I can't find any reason to stay. I can't function properly -  I can't eat, sleep, drink, talk. It all seems so difficult to do. I'm coming down from a manic couple of weeks and its so unbelievably hard to try and stay in control. Everything recently feels like a daze, like I don't know if I'm actually living. I feel so unbelievably disconnected to everything that I literally don't feel like I'm living at all. I keep on dreaming about all these weird thoughts relating to death. Actually, I wouldn't even call them weird anymore, they bring me some sort of peace. The fact that the pills are in my cupboard and other medication is downstairs and that the fact that I can order both blades and pills off the internet, that gives me piece of mind; in a way, it drives me to do it. The fact that I am so not in control anymore and letting my inner most demons *suicidal thoughts* take control, I feel different from where I was a month ago running to my teacher when I had the pills. Now I feel ready to do it. I'm ready to leave. I want to go. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here anymore. I want to die. 

Saturday 26th May 2012;

I didn't cut last night if you count that as an achievement. I couldn't be bothered, so instead I just laid in bed, curled up in a ball and just stared at the all. I didn't think of anything. I just curled up into a fetal position which I guess suggested how vulnerable I actually was.
I was outside in the back garden the majority of the day, watching the world pass me by, watching the birds fly.  I wish I could be a bird so I just fly away when things got crazy. I'd love to be away from here. I'd love to just have a break from myself or even just start over. These thoughts however are highly unlikely. You can't run away from someone especially if that person is yourself. Yet again, its come back to that conclusion of death. I always wonder who would miss me, who would be at my funeral, how life would be without me, would people still remember me and would people even care that I'm not around. They don't care that I'm here now so surely they wouldn't care if I wasn't around, right?

A month later; my friends and family found out I was suicidal and I ran away from home. My family searched everywhere and were going to call the police because I felt suicidal but they found me, restrained me and took me home. I had an emergency dr's appointment made the next day. 

12.07.13

People tell me 'how can having a punch of pills stashed in your room be a safety net?', my simple reply is 'so I can use them if I need too'. For many, that seems quite illogical and dangerous but in my mind of absolute confusion, it makes me feel safe. Its a growing collection of pills I've brought myself or one's I've got out of the medication cupboard. People tell me to get rid of the pills to reduce the urge, but yes I could do that, but that would make me more anxious. The one thing that can help me will be taken away and if I didn't have them, I'll most probably feel a bit numb and even more unsafe. 

I know I'm not making much sense and most people who would, if they read this, would agree on that, but it's the truth. It protects me. If I want to take them and I have the urge and I want to leave, then I can. It gives me the option of doing so. 

11.07.13

I don't know what's happening at the moment. Everything feels like a blur like I don't really understand what's occurring at the moment. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I don't want to make plans just in case I'm not there to live through them. I don't want to tell people how I feel because I don't want them to worry about anything, especially when it may be nothing. I wish I could understand how I'm feeling. I don't know if you've ever felt like you were the audience watching your life. That's how I feel most days recently. I feel like I'm watching my life, rather than living it myself. I can't help but do so. Maybe it's because I already feel dead. Maybe I am dead and maybe everything I'm doing is just some fantasy world or maybe I'm just dreaming. Too many maybe's with no definite answers; plagued by questions with no one giving me the answers I need to make sense of this world and my role within it.