20.06.13

I have this strange feeling of jealousy or envy other my friends getting the support and help they need from the mental health services and yet I'm still stuck in the stupid system, yet again lost with no-one to turn to. I can't call up anyone in particular like a therapist or psychologist and I can't turn to them when I'm at my lowest. Yes, my friends do need help and I'm glad they are receiving the help, but I've waited 6 months for something to happen and still nothing is being done. Maybe I don't need help and maybe this is all just nothing and how I feel and what I do is nothing and maybe I should just stop wasting everyone's time where it could be given to other people and just give it a rest and hide in silence and slowly fade away with all these stupid thoughts in my head. Maybe I should just do what they say. A date with suicide.

16.06.13

The nights are always the hardest and I think there is only one reason for that and that's because its when I can actually be how I feel. I don't have to put on a happy smile and pretend everything's 'hunky dory' like I do when I'm with my friends and family. One reason I do that is because its so much easier to cover it all up. Throw some bandages on your wounds and pretend that everything has changed and portray that picture to others. I don't want people being worried about me because I hate talking about how I'm feeling and what I do. I mean who wants to hear about someone who binges until they look pregnant and then stays in the bathroom for 20 minutes purging everything she ate? No-one that's whom. The nights are where everything slowly unravels and were you can feel your self becoming more unstable and unsafe. You get to realise how alone you really are in the world and how you can feel so insignificant and worthless. The nights are the hardest, and I think for many people like I do who suffer from a mental health illness, the nights are the worse mainly because you are on your own and no one knows what you could do. Sometimes I prefer it that way, and sometimes I know that my thoughts and the voices get the better of me.

12.06.13

'When do I ever get to be upset? When do I ever get to be anyone but me?' - Effy Stonem

09.06.13

I don't know what to do anymore and I'm not writing this lightly, I generally do not know what I'm supposed to do anymore. All I'm doing is waiting and not actually knowing what I'm waiting for which is hard. I don't know when I'll get help but I know that I won't be around for much longer if I still feel like this in the next week or so. I want to speak to people about how I feel but what's the point anymore. Nothing new can be said so its just repeating old thoughts and feelings with little no end result. So you tell me, what am I supposed to do.