24.01.14

I'm just staring at my assignment thinking 'whats the point?'; its due in for Monday and I need to write another 1000 words and upgrade it. I could have had an extension but didn't see the point in just having another week to do nothing and just stare at it. I've been back at home since Tuesday and am going back to Newcastle tomorrow. Than on Monday I need to hand in my assignment, sort out registering with a GP for me to be able to go back to university and than have the dreaded occupational health assessment on Wednesday to see if I'm fit enough to go back to university. I don't even know if I want to stay at uni but even my tutor said that going home and not doing anything could make me worse than where I am now.

I'm currently struggling really bad. I mean I could call the crisis team in Newcastle now but there is no point as I am currently 300 miles away from them and there would be no use. Its not the fact that I want to take an overdose or anything but its just I feel so low, like a numb low where nothing feels real and its like I feel like I need to cry but nothing wants to shift. No tears want to be shed. I'm tired of feeling like this.

19.01.14

So this last week has been hectic, emotional and draining. Crisis team practically everyday, and ambulance and getting drunk by myself. I've been signed of university and for placement (which finished on friday anyway) so I missed my last week of it. I'm allowed back to university only after an assessment/interview with occupational health to deem if I'm fit enough to be on the course.

Everyone keeps on asking me what I want or what I need but I don't know. I'm 19, how the fuck am I supposed to know what is useful. I'm allowed to go home but with strict instructions to tell someone if I'm struggling. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'm just tired of this 'life' ya know. People are saying maybe you should take time off university and go back home but no where feels like home. I just feel so lost and I'm crying when I'm writing this because this all just hurts so much and I'm just too vulnerable to do anything. I look lost, pale, confused, drifting in and out of this world. I just can't do this anymore.

11.01.14

So far 2014 hasn't been a good year currently. Yesterday I had a really bad spell. I'll tell you the 'story'.

I went to see my tutor at university yesterday morning before I was supposed to go to placement. Stayed with him for about an 90 minutes. We talked about my wobbly spell or as I called it a 'blip' on Wednesday. We had a talk about what was going on, how I was feeling about everything and he analysed my life in a sense and told me about his life and how we had many similarities. He managed to get out of me that I was feeling suicidal and because of that he had a duty of care to call the crisis team. I had to stay at university until he had made contact with them and that they would be able to see me. He reluctantly let me go back to my flat so I could wait for a phone call from them; a phone call in which if I didn't answer, the police would come round.

The crisis team came and went, told them I was suicidal, didn't tell them I had plans but they left just over an hour after. They called me back again in the evening to check how I was and what was going to happen next. 

Yesterday feels like such a blur, like it felt like a dream and not a very nice dream. I've got the crisis number if I want or need to call them but even though I know they are there, I'm still apprehensive. I don't know if I want to be saved anymore. I don't want to live, I don't want to be here, I don't know where I want to be but it certainty isn't here. My flat mates are all going out tonight and I don't really want to go out because I know I'll just get emotional if I'm drinking and I can't be bothered with wasting anymore time. I've got over 100 pills stored in my room and I want need to overdose; I want to get away from myself. My tutor though said to me when I left uni to 'please not take anything' and he said than re-tracked it with 'you don't owe me anything' and it just felt really weird. I don't know if he has been in this situation before and he doesn't want me following the path he did.

I have my tutor and student support calling me on Monday. I also need to register with a GP to get into the mental health services and my case is being discussed with the doctors at the crisis team on Monday. I hope I'm not here by Monday.

I'm really not with it.