01.09.13

In 11 days I move up north to start university. I'm completely and utterly terrified. I'm scared of leaving friends, leaving my home town, meeting new people, finding a new doctor. The worrying though I have is what about if I fail? What about if I have another breakdown like I did 2 months ago? What about if I take too many pills, or I feel stupidly suicidal, whose going to stop me? Because I know I'm not going to. I'm scared I'm not going to handle the pressure of being in an environment where I'll be with individuals who suffer the same conditions I do. What about if they trigger me? What about if I'm not going to be a good nurse? What about if I'm completely shit and can't help anyone? How am I supposed to help someone if I can't even help myself? There are so many questions and thoughts in my head. I don't know whether to listen to the positive answers or the negative. 
Just wish my brain would shut off for a couple of days. Just want peace.

31.08.13

Do you know what its like to feel your heart ache, to feel an undesirable feeling to love someone when you know it won't happen. I've fallen for this guy who I've had casual sex with. He is beautiful, kind and lovely but is the type of person in my eyes who wouldn't 'go out' with me. After thinking about it all, I would happily be in a relationship with him, but the flip side is, would he ever want to be in a relationship with me? He's seen my scars and even that is difficult. He isn't very knowledgeable about mental health issues and to a certain extent general emotions. You see, I would love to go out with him if I wasn't going to university and if the fact that I was in a better frame of mind. But I know he wouldn't go for someone like me. I'm 100 times below what he should be aiming for. I'm not thin, I'm not pretty, I'm scarred, I'm broken and I'm a mess. I wish he would like me and I wish he misses me, but he doesn't and that's what hurts the most. I've fallen for some guy as per usual who doesn't feel the same way about me.

24.08.13

I want to believe that this is just a low patch. I don't want to believe that I'm having a breakdown. But how many times, I try to convince myself I'm not losing it, there is always that voice in the back that is telling me I am. Telling me all these weird thoughts and making me feel quite delusional about what is happening presently. I've never felt this weird. This weirdness is something that I can't even describe, no words can make sense of it. No matter how much time I try to analyse what is going on, it still makes no sense. I have therapy on wednesday so maybe I'll be able to make sense of it then, but even therapy doesn't help anymore. It just makes everything come out with no way of actually helping or treating what is going on. I just feel so alone recently and I've wanted to call T up but I can't. I haven't had the guts to do it, mainly because I hate talking over the phone about personal issues. I just don't know what to do anymore.

12.08.13

I remember one occasion that really sticks out for me that happened at secondary school. I was 16 years of age (in year 11), and I was isolating myself completely. I was in the grips of my eating disorder, my depression was at an all time low. I was fighting myself with no one knowing what was going on. I remember I was walking back from science going to I think my form room through the corridor and I felt so alone. I felt so alone even in the presence of others. I knew I wasn't alone physically because there was 40 girls walking in the same direction as I was, but I just felt so disconnected from every single one of them, like I was the only person walking down that corridor. I think from that point onwards, I've realised that loneliness, that aching of wanting to be loved, needed, noticed. But the thing is, the pain never goes away, its like a chronic pain, some days are better than others, equally some can be worse and horrible. When people say they are lonely, we normally associate that with being single, but it can mean feeling absolutely isolated and in solitude with everyone like family and friends and I think that's the worse kind of loneliness. That loneliness creeps up on you, makes you feel utterly alone in this world, feel as though you have no value to others and that you aren't valued by the people you love, cherish and would give your life too. Its even harder when you feel lonely even when your surrounded by the people who you love, and you know they love you but you can't shake that feeling off and that's hard. Do you believe your feelings, or do you believe the people around you?

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”  - Mother Teresa

08.08.13

So lately, memories of the past have emerged. Memories which I had blocked out for a long period of time. Its weird how our brains can block out memories which cause us pain, guilt and shame. The thing is, how do you deal when all the memories come fast and all at the same time. How do you deal with reliving the thoughts, feelings and emotions you had when you experienced that memory. All I can think about is it, everything that happened around it, how old I was, how I felt, what I tried to do. All these little things replay in my head and there is no way of escaping them. So how do you escape them unless you escape yourself. The thing is, I don't know if my past is affecting me presently I don't know as to what happened then has caused me to suffer from depression and bulimia? I just don't know anymore.