27.09.13

I've slept with two guys in 4 days. I feel horrible. One because I didn't use any protection, but secondly because the feelings and memories came flooding back. I felt utterly ashamed of myself, felt so dirty. Felt like I shouldn't be touched, like I didn't deserve to be loved. I felt, oh I don't know. Things are happening too fast. I just want to all to be so fucking easy you know. I knew that my problems would follow me no where I go. Who was I to believe that because I'm not living in the same place as where it all happened it would disappear? I'm such a joke. 

18.09.13

I have literally lost my appetite, I don't want to eat, I have maybe one drink a day and I think this is fueling my eating disorder. Moving to university and traveling about 4 and a half hours away has not helped. I've been emotional which is understandable when I have left everything I knew and now started in a massive city where I know no-one or anything about the place. I don't really know how I feel. Its like these last 6 days have been a blur and I feel kinda numb. I've cried a hell of a lot and maybe I've just lost all my emotions kinda thing? Maybe I've cried myself numb but I don't know.

12.09.13

So I've now moved up to newcastle. It was such a daunting day. Didn't feel real, it didn't feel right. It doesn't feel like this is happening. I don't know if I can do this. I really don't know. I don't know if this is just pre-nerves or this is something more like i'm really not ready for all of this. All I want to do is cut, but all my blades and pills are the back of my rents car with all of my clothes and other essential university items but they are coming up tomorrow.  I'm just scared, completely and utterly scared.

06.09.13

I don't see my bulimia as a problem anymore. Yes, I still do it but it doesn't feel like its something that people should worry about. Its something so normal to me now, its a part of me. Even though I've been diagnosed with it, it doesn't feel like a diagnosis; it just feels like its a part of my personality. Maybe because I don't see it as a problem that's why no one else see's it as a big deal and maybe that's why no one has done anything to stop it (mental health professionals). You see, because I'm not severely underweight or that I've only done minor damages to my body, no one else sees it as a problem or that it doesn't need to be addressed. Its like it should be just passed off as something, like I'm going through a 'phase'. And if it is a phase, nearly 4 years is a long time to have one. I don't know, I just sometimes feel that bulimia is lower on the hierarchy of eating disorders. Obviously, having an eating disorder is something which people shouldn't hide away from, but every time I've seen a mental health professional, it just feels as though it isn't anything and because I don't suffer from anorexia its like nothing should happen and I should just be discharged and to deal with it on my own. Fuck sake, I'm getting myself in a right old hissy fit now just thinking about it; fuck this shit.