22.11.13

Sad in bed, staring at my pill stash and blade collection. I just want this all to end. There's nothing left for me to fight for. I wanted to believe that everything would be okay but now I know its not. I'm lost in this world. This world which is so confusing and I can't make sense of anymore. I need out of it. 

Goodbye. 

14.11.13

If I could write down this feeling inside, I would, but I can't. No words can describe this aching feeling. A feeling that I don't even understand. I don't know what I want nor what I need. I feel extremely lost yet I feel like its my time to go. Don't ask me why I feel that way because I don't understand it myself. All I've been thinking about is that when I go back to university, I'll slip away. Slip away from this place. Slip away into the unknown. I just feel that suicide is the only option now. It feels like I'm saying goodbye to everyone. I'm going to give all the money I have to them. They need it. They don't need a waste and a failure of daughter. They should be ashamed of me. I'm a disgusting human being. I'm a waste of space. A space that a beautiful person can replace. When one person dies, another is born and when I go, some better person will replace me in this world.

02.11.13

Alcohol is the way forward now. I drink because it helps. I drink because it numbs out my horrid mood and it makes me happy. I don't have to think or feel anything negative. I can just forget about everything that has made me unhappy because the drink blinds it, takes it all away and leaves me with this other person with no inhibitions and no need to feel upset or angry. I've damaged my stomach at the moment and its inflamed due to my drinking and vomiting from it but when I drink the physical pain goes away as well as the emotional. Everything has become extremely chaotic and I don't know where to go anymore.