05.10.14

"In real life, every day you might come to some new conclusion about yourself and about the reasoning behind your behaviour and you can tell yourself that this knowledge will make all the difference. But in all likelihood, you're going to keep on doing the same old things. You'll still be the same person. You'll still cling to your destructive, debilitating habits because your emotional tie to them is so strong - so much stronger than any dime-store insight you might come up with - that the stupid things you do are really the only things you've got that keep you centered and connected. They are the only things about you that make you, you."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation.

29.08.14

I honestly think I will always believe I'm not good enough for anyone. I can't seem to help people, I can't seem to be with anyone, I can't seem to please my friends or my family, I've let so many people down and I've made a disappointment out of myself. I just want to cry now because I just feel like such a complicated mess and I just want to it end it all, and I want to savagely rip my skin to pieces and show the damage and the torment that's truly happening. I haven't seen my cpn in nearly 4 weeks and I just wish I could see her because I've been struggling so badly and I don't know what to do.

26.08.14

I feel so heavy with all these emotions floating about. I feel drowned in my thoughts and this confusion about what to do now. I just want help to figure this out but I can't get that and I'm scared I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life because if it is, this is no quality of life. I just want everything to be easier that what they are now or even just manageable because I don't know how to deal with anything now and no matter how many cuts I make, no matter how many pills I take or how much alcohol I drink, it never takes this pain away. No one seems to understand the torment that is occurring in my mind and people just say 'you've just got to get on with it' but I actually can't. There is just too much going on and I'm so scared and  I don't know what to do anymore. I'm ruining everything I've got left which is so small. I feel myself slowly degrading into nothing and soon I'll be invisible and no one will see me anymore and I won't even recognise the person I see in the mirror. Is it really to much to ask to be okay?

Song: Two Coins - City and Colour 

17.08.14

I sit staring at my laptop wanting to pour out everything that my mind is telling me but sometimes words don't justify the destruction that is occurring. Things have been so hard lately and I can't pin point what has been happening. I've had nightmares, flashbacks and thoughts that have become delusions and it's so hard to distinguish what is reality and what isn't. I feel so utterly alone in this massive battle against myself. I can't talk to any of my friends because I don't feel worthy for their help and I don't want to burden them and my family clearly doesn't understand me or my condition: equally I don't understand myself anyway. 

I want things to go, I just want to be 'normal' or free from mental health. I've had enough of having an invisible illness. I want to be free and have a life where I don't look at every situation in a way of harming myself or wanting to end my life because I know it's the illness talking but sometimes, it's just so hard to maintain a self destructive life. I don't know if I'll even make it too my 20th birthday at this rate. I am alone, fighting an ultimately battle and I don't know how long I can take until I break again.

04.08.14

02.08.14

Song: Sam Smith - Lay Me Down

 I always ponder on the thought that I'll never recover from bulimia. It's hard that no-one knows I still do it. I think bulimia is one of those silent illnesses because it is. Most people who suffer from it are at a healthy weight or are overweight. I don't think my friends or family still believe I do it but to be honest, it's not a conversation started is it?

I don't think I'll ever deserve recovery. I'm not 'sick' enough to suffer from an eating disorder - not in the eye's of a mental health professional anyway. The only one who seems to care is my GP. I've had the effects from bulimia: decay/early gum disease, chest pains, fainting, heartburn, blood in vomit and stomach pains. My GP is the only one who cared when I stopped drinking and eating. He did my vital obs and weighed me each week, sent another referral to the cmht and just reassured me that he was there.

I've dipped into 'anorexia region' before with regards to my weight, but bulimia is something I use to cope with, plus I've had a mixed up relationship with food from such an early age like when I was a child so I don't know if that's what increased my chances of having an ED. No one has any offered any help, treatment or even to see if I wanted to start looking into. I just feel so I don't know, like I'm not worthy of anything. I'm not worthy of recovering and I wonder, how bad will I have to get to be offered help for bulimia.

29.07.14

17.06.14

Just realised I haven't wrote a post in a while, so this is an update:

•  I've moved back home now from university as I've resigned now completely.
• Really struggling at the moment with trying to stay stable but it's not really going to plan.
• Met my new CPN on monday and she wants me to start anti-depressants and sleeping tablets but I feel as though she wants to just medicate me.
• Really missing the old team I had in Newcastle - I miss my old cpn :/
• Had to discuss my previous police section and my new CPN named H (don't want to disclose her name) thinks I'm at risk of doing something.
• Since coming back home, I feel as though I have no purpose in this world, feel as though I have no friends, my family are getting annoyed with me more as each day passes.
• I honestly don't know what I'm going to do anymore - my life feels meaningless.

15.04.14

I have literally lost everything. I've lost my university course, my parents hate me, I'm a burden on my friends and flat mates. How can everything just go so tits up in such a short amount of time? How does it all make sense? I'm sat in my room everyday doing nothing. I'm signed off university and in the next month, I'll be leaving university due to my MH problems.

All I wanted was for things to be okay, I go to university, I train to be a MH nurse but somehow along the road I lost everything; but the hardest things is I've lost myself. Its hard to see a way through all this debris when you can't see the light. This is most probably going to be either my last post forever or either for a long time if I get sectioned again and get detained for a longer period of time. 

I'm sorry x

12.02.14

I feel like a lost cause; nothing is going right, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't know whats happening at the moment and I genuinely feel that I'm not even real anymore. I feel like I'm invisible, that people are just looking through me and not noticing me. Sometimes I just feel like slapping myself to see if this is happening; like I'm asleep in a nightmare. 

I was discharged from the crisis team today and are now under the duty of the CMHT.  I didn't tell them about my plans and they just assumed I was better. I don't want people interfering anymore. I'm not going to be able to carry on with university, I don't want to go home and I have no where here to stay if I get kicked out of university. There is no where for me and I'm too weak to stand on my own two feet and handle anything. 

I'm so, so tired of this all now, I really just want to give up. 

24.01.14

I'm just staring at my assignment thinking 'whats the point?'; its due in for Monday and I need to write another 1000 words and upgrade it. I could have had an extension but didn't see the point in just having another week to do nothing and just stare at it. I've been back at home since Tuesday and am going back to Newcastle tomorrow. Than on Monday I need to hand in my assignment, sort out registering with a GP for me to be able to go back to university and than have the dreaded occupational health assessment on Wednesday to see if I'm fit enough to go back to university. I don't even know if I want to stay at uni but even my tutor said that going home and not doing anything could make me worse than where I am now.

I'm currently struggling really bad. I mean I could call the crisis team in Newcastle now but there is no point as I am currently 300 miles away from them and there would be no use. Its not the fact that I want to take an overdose or anything but its just I feel so low, like a numb low where nothing feels real and its like I feel like I need to cry but nothing wants to shift. No tears want to be shed. I'm tired of feeling like this.

19.01.14

So this last week has been hectic, emotional and draining. Crisis team practically everyday, and ambulance and getting drunk by myself. I've been signed of university and for placement (which finished on friday anyway) so I missed my last week of it. I'm allowed back to university only after an assessment/interview with occupational health to deem if I'm fit enough to be on the course.

Everyone keeps on asking me what I want or what I need but I don't know. I'm 19, how the fuck am I supposed to know what is useful. I'm allowed to go home but with strict instructions to tell someone if I'm struggling. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'm just tired of this 'life' ya know. People are saying maybe you should take time off university and go back home but no where feels like home. I just feel so lost and I'm crying when I'm writing this because this all just hurts so much and I'm just too vulnerable to do anything. I look lost, pale, confused, drifting in and out of this world. I just can't do this anymore.

11.01.14

So far 2014 hasn't been a good year currently. Yesterday I had a really bad spell. I'll tell you the 'story'.

I went to see my tutor at university yesterday morning before I was supposed to go to placement. Stayed with him for about an 90 minutes. We talked about my wobbly spell or as I called it a 'blip' on Wednesday. We had a talk about what was going on, how I was feeling about everything and he analysed my life in a sense and told me about his life and how we had many similarities. He managed to get out of me that I was feeling suicidal and because of that he had a duty of care to call the crisis team. I had to stay at university until he had made contact with them and that they would be able to see me. He reluctantly let me go back to my flat so I could wait for a phone call from them; a phone call in which if I didn't answer, the police would come round.

The crisis team came and went, told them I was suicidal, didn't tell them I had plans but they left just over an hour after. They called me back again in the evening to check how I was and what was going to happen next. 

Yesterday feels like such a blur, like it felt like a dream and not a very nice dream. I've got the crisis number if I want or need to call them but even though I know they are there, I'm still apprehensive. I don't know if I want to be saved anymore. I don't want to live, I don't want to be here, I don't know where I want to be but it certainty isn't here. My flat mates are all going out tonight and I don't really want to go out because I know I'll just get emotional if I'm drinking and I can't be bothered with wasting anymore time. I've got over 100 pills stored in my room and I want need to overdose; I want to get away from myself. My tutor though said to me when I left uni to 'please not take anything' and he said than re-tracked it with 'you don't owe me anything' and it just felt really weird. I don't know if he has been in this situation before and he doesn't want me following the path he did.

I have my tutor and student support calling me on Monday. I also need to register with a GP to get into the mental health services and my case is being discussed with the doctors at the crisis team on Monday. I hope I'm not here by Monday.

I'm really not with it.