30.07.13

You know that numb feeling you experience when you read or hear something you didn't want to know, that's kinda how I felt yesterday. I'm quite a nosy person when it comes to my mum; likes to read her emails and text messages she sends and receives. One email however will most probably haunt me for at least a couple of days/weeks. She sent an email to a very close friend of hers which I thought was normal, but once actually reading it, I realised what the message she was portraying in most probably the 4th paragraph. My mum had attempted suicide 2 weeks ago by overdosing on her medication. My mum is on anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. According to her email, she had collapsed and fallen down the stairs during the night. Obviously I was asleep at the time so I didn't realise anything had happened. 

When I read that email, the immediate feeling I got was numbness. It then followed by guilt; like somehow  I should have known my mum was feeling so low or that I should have known when I woke up that my mum looked 'drugged up' like I've looked when I've overdosed. I feel as though I could have prevented it from happening, like I should know. Yes, I know I'm not a mind-reader but it just pains me to know that my mum did it. I don't feel anger to her at all because I've overdosed in the last couple of weeks. She hasn't told her CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) about what happened, but she most probably (well hopefully) will tell her at her next appointment. 

All I've got trailing in my head now is that the possible scenarios as to what could have happened if she did take too many that could have caused her to pass away. I know I shouldn't think like this, but this is what happens with me. I drip out of reality and play fantasy. I live in my own little world creating up scenarios and playing along with them, getting mixed between reality and another world. When your so close to losing someone, some people can push them away, some can pull them even closer. I can't really make sense of what our relationship is at the moment. All I know is that she doesn't know I know anything about what happens and I'm not planning on bringing it up.