24.10.13

I feel like I'm in the biggest pit of misery and despair that I have been in for a long time. Everything is a mess and I don't know how to deal with everything. I've just let things crumble right in front of myself and I don't know to turn it all around. I've done an online application to see the counselling/mental health service at my university and I'll find out within the next couple of days as to when I can have an appointment. The thing is, I don't know if I can wait for a couple of days to be seen.  I feel so on edge at the moment and everything is draining the life out of me. I just wish I'd known how to deal with things and could keep control of everything, but as per usual I can't even do that. I can't look after myself but I don't want to feel as though I have to be looked after. I'm 19 in 5 days and I don't want to celebrate it at all and  I don't feel like doing anything. Wondering if I'll still be here for it at the rate I'm going to be honest. I just wonder what will happen. The next couple of days are going to be crucial. Just need to get through tonight, which at the moment is looking slightly bleak!

13.10.13

Yesterday was really weird. Had to take my friend to A&E because he had bumped his head and passed out whilst he was drunk. It was not weird at the fact that I had to take him to A&E but it was the fact that the last time I had gone to an A&E it was because I had overdosed on 70 pills. All I could think of was would happen if all the subsequent overdoses I had taken needed like emergency care kinda thing. I felt really triggered being there and  I don't know why. You associate hospitals with feeling I don't know, safe in a sense, like someones looking after you. Whereas oh I don't know, I kinda just wanted to take an overdose and  I don't know why. My mind really isn't working at the moment.

10.10.13

Was so close to overdosing last night. I was so drunk, but it got to the point where I felt so lonely and sad. You know like the last stages of a night out when you get back home. I feel so lonely and all I wanted was sex or for a guy to be in my bed and I don't know why. I just felt so completely alone and when your drunk, feeling like that is horrible. I just want to get rid of this feeling. I feel like I'm just all over the place yet feel as though I don't know who to turn to. My flat mates don't know anything about the other side of me and I can't just explode it onto them because I don't what that to happen. I wish this was all so easy yet all I feel is loneliness and depression and, oh I don't know! Fucking hell.

07.10.13

I feel bad again. Bad like I want to take an overdose and bad like I want to end my life. I don't know why I feel so bad though. I just feel so, oh I don't know. Things have been happening so fast and its like I've been swept off my feet. I don't know where to go or what to do. Just wish I could stop time for a bit so I could get my bearings and actually figure out whats happening and not feel like my brain is buzzing about.