14.07.13

I was cleaning my room today for some reason I'll explain in another post maybe later or tomorrow. I found my old diary (well I wrote in it for a couple of weeks through a rough patch last year) and I've just re-read some of the things I've written. Here are 2 of my diary entries.

Thursday 24th May 2012;

I feel numb, like everything doesn't really matter anymore and I can't find any reason to stay. I can't function properly -  I can't eat, sleep, drink, talk. It all seems so difficult to do. I'm coming down from a manic couple of weeks and its so unbelievably hard to try and stay in control. Everything recently feels like a daze, like I don't know if I'm actually living. I feel so unbelievably disconnected to everything that I literally don't feel like I'm living at all. I keep on dreaming about all these weird thoughts relating to death. Actually, I wouldn't even call them weird anymore, they bring me some sort of peace. The fact that the pills are in my cupboard and other medication is downstairs and that the fact that I can order both blades and pills off the internet, that gives me piece of mind; in a way, it drives me to do it. The fact that I am so not in control anymore and letting my inner most demons *suicidal thoughts* take control, I feel different from where I was a month ago running to my teacher when I had the pills. Now I feel ready to do it. I'm ready to leave. I want to go. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here anymore. I want to die. 

Saturday 26th May 2012;

I didn't cut last night if you count that as an achievement. I couldn't be bothered, so instead I just laid in bed, curled up in a ball and just stared at the all. I didn't think of anything. I just curled up into a fetal position which I guess suggested how vulnerable I actually was.
I was outside in the back garden the majority of the day, watching the world pass me by, watching the birds fly.  I wish I could be a bird so I just fly away when things got crazy. I'd love to be away from here. I'd love to just have a break from myself or even just start over. These thoughts however are highly unlikely. You can't run away from someone especially if that person is yourself. Yet again, its come back to that conclusion of death. I always wonder who would miss me, who would be at my funeral, how life would be without me, would people still remember me and would people even care that I'm not around. They don't care that I'm here now so surely they wouldn't care if I wasn't around, right?

A month later; my friends and family found out I was suicidal and I ran away from home. My family searched everywhere and were going to call the police because I felt suicidal but they found me, restrained me and took me home. I had an emergency dr's appointment made the next day.