17.08.14

I sit staring at my laptop wanting to pour out everything that my mind is telling me but sometimes words don't justify the destruction that is occurring. Things have been so hard lately and I can't pin point what has been happening. I've had nightmares, flashbacks and thoughts that have become delusions and it's so hard to distinguish what is reality and what isn't. I feel so utterly alone in this massive battle against myself. I can't talk to any of my friends because I don't feel worthy for their help and I don't want to burden them and my family clearly doesn't understand me or my condition: equally I don't understand myself anyway. 

I want things to go, I just want to be 'normal' or free from mental health. I've had enough of having an invisible illness. I want to be free and have a life where I don't look at every situation in a way of harming myself or wanting to end my life because I know it's the illness talking but sometimes, it's just so hard to maintain a self destructive life. I don't know if I'll even make it too my 20th birthday at this rate. I am alone, fighting an ultimately battle and I don't know how long I can take until I break again.