I went to see my tutor at university yesterday morning before I was supposed to go to placement. Stayed with him for about an 90 minutes. We talked about my wobbly spell or as I called it a 'blip' on Wednesday. We had a talk about what was going on, how I was feeling about everything and he analysed my life in a sense and told me about his life and how we had many similarities. He managed to get out of me that I was feeling suicidal and because of that he had a duty of care to call the crisis team. I had to stay at university until he had made contact with them and that they would be able to see me. He reluctantly let me go back to my flat so I could wait for a phone call from them; a phone call in which if I didn't answer, the police would come round.
The crisis team came and went, told them I was suicidal, didn't tell them I had plans but they left just over an hour after. They called me back again in the evening to check how I was and what was going to happen next.
Yesterday feels like such a blur, like it felt like a dream and not a very nice dream. I've got the crisis number if I want or need to call them but even though I know they are there, I'm still apprehensive. I don't know if I want to be saved anymore. I don't want to live, I don't want to be here, I don't know where I want to be but it certainty isn't here. My flat mates are all going out tonight and I don't really want to go out because I know I'll just get emotional if I'm drinking and I can't be bothered with wasting anymore time. I've got over 100 pills stored in my room and I
I have my tutor and student support calling me on Monday. I also need to register with a GP to get into the mental health services and my case is being discussed with the doctors at the crisis team on Monday. I hope I'm not here by Monday.
I'm really not with it.
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