05.10.14

"In real life, every day you might come to some new conclusion about yourself and about the reasoning behind your behaviour and you can tell yourself that this knowledge will make all the difference. But in all likelihood, you're going to keep on doing the same old things. You'll still be the same person. You'll still cling to your destructive, debilitating habits because your emotional tie to them is so strong - so much stronger than any dime-store insight you might come up with - that the stupid things you do are really the only things you've got that keep you centered and connected. They are the only things about you that make you, you."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation.

29.08.14

I honestly think I will always believe I'm not good enough for anyone. I can't seem to help people, I can't seem to be with anyone, I can't seem to please my friends or my family, I've let so many people down and I've made a disappointment out of myself. I just want to cry now because I just feel like such a complicated mess and I just want to it end it all, and I want to savagely rip my skin to pieces and show the damage and the torment that's truly happening. I haven't seen my cpn in nearly 4 weeks and I just wish I could see her because I've been struggling so badly and I don't know what to do.

26.08.14

I feel so heavy with all these emotions floating about. I feel drowned in my thoughts and this confusion about what to do now. I just want help to figure this out but I can't get that and I'm scared I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life because if it is, this is no quality of life. I just want everything to be easier that what they are now or even just manageable because I don't know how to deal with anything now and no matter how many cuts I make, no matter how many pills I take or how much alcohol I drink, it never takes this pain away. No one seems to understand the torment that is occurring in my mind and people just say 'you've just got to get on with it' but I actually can't. There is just too much going on and I'm so scared and  I don't know what to do anymore. I'm ruining everything I've got left which is so small. I feel myself slowly degrading into nothing and soon I'll be invisible and no one will see me anymore and I won't even recognise the person I see in the mirror. Is it really to much to ask to be okay?

Song: Two Coins - City and Colour 

17.08.14

I sit staring at my laptop wanting to pour out everything that my mind is telling me but sometimes words don't justify the destruction that is occurring. Things have been so hard lately and I can't pin point what has been happening. I've had nightmares, flashbacks and thoughts that have become delusions and it's so hard to distinguish what is reality and what isn't. I feel so utterly alone in this massive battle against myself. I can't talk to any of my friends because I don't feel worthy for their help and I don't want to burden them and my family clearly doesn't understand me or my condition: equally I don't understand myself anyway. 

I want things to go, I just want to be 'normal' or free from mental health. I've had enough of having an invisible illness. I want to be free and have a life where I don't look at every situation in a way of harming myself or wanting to end my life because I know it's the illness talking but sometimes, it's just so hard to maintain a self destructive life. I don't know if I'll even make it too my 20th birthday at this rate. I am alone, fighting an ultimately battle and I don't know how long I can take until I break again.

04.08.14

02.08.14

Song: Sam Smith - Lay Me Down

 I always ponder on the thought that I'll never recover from bulimia. It's hard that no-one knows I still do it. I think bulimia is one of those silent illnesses because it is. Most people who suffer from it are at a healthy weight or are overweight. I don't think my friends or family still believe I do it but to be honest, it's not a conversation started is it?

I don't think I'll ever deserve recovery. I'm not 'sick' enough to suffer from an eating disorder - not in the eye's of a mental health professional anyway. The only one who seems to care is my GP. I've had the effects from bulimia: decay/early gum disease, chest pains, fainting, heartburn, blood in vomit and stomach pains. My GP is the only one who cared when I stopped drinking and eating. He did my vital obs and weighed me each week, sent another referral to the cmht and just reassured me that he was there.

I've dipped into 'anorexia region' before with regards to my weight, but bulimia is something I use to cope with, plus I've had a mixed up relationship with food from such an early age like when I was a child so I don't know if that's what increased my chances of having an ED. No one has any offered any help, treatment or even to see if I wanted to start looking into. I just feel so I don't know, like I'm not worthy of anything. I'm not worthy of recovering and I wonder, how bad will I have to get to be offered help for bulimia.

29.07.14